I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Pants are for mortals
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
