I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
