I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
