just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i drank out of a bidet.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
