I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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