A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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