The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
