glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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