Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
