Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
