So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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