So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
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And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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