Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
