the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
