I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I lost the right to judge tonight
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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