Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
