She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
