I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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