My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
