Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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