yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
