yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.