Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
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