Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
