i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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