I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
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