I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
