I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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