I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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