I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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