I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
