If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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