oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
