Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
