My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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