I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just cropdusted the office
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
