she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
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I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
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I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
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