Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
