I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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