Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
