He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
