I need to stop coming to work sober
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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