Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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