farters have to be the big spoon...
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Too much gin, very little bucket
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
