i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
