your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
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I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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