In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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