I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
