it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
ttyl tear gas
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
