Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
two words: eviction party
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
