Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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