I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Why did my mother make you get naked?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
