Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
