turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
