Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
why do cheetos always look like penises
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
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