So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
He shit in the fireplace
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
